When psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco went through a hard breakup in 2015, it felt like there was no love in her life. So Franco asked her friends for help. They did yoga, cooked, and read together. As she and her friends grew closer, she found them to be deep wellsprings of love, community, and healing. rice field.

Now Franco wants others to be able to experience that deep level of friendship too. Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Helps Make and Keep Friendsprovides insights on how to improve the quality of your platonic relationships using the latest research on relationships. She talks to Lifekit about how to deepen that bond and find happiness and fulfillment in the process.

Dr. Marisa Franco is a psychologist and friendship expert, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Helps Make and Keep Friends.

Left: Darren Agbo / Right: Sons of GP Putnam

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Left: Darren Agbo / Right: Sons of GP Putnam

“We need a whole community for us to feel together,” writes Franco in her book. Psychologists have long theorized that humans need meaningful social connections to survive. In fact, it is related to our mental and physical health. Knowing that you have someone to rely on and care for you gives you confidence and peace of mind.

And the stronger our relationship, she adds, the more likely we are to thrive. So how can we deepen existing friendships in our lives? Franco offers four tips based on her research.

1. Shower them with (platonic) affection

We often think of affection as the kind of love that we show in a relationship. But affection is more than just holding hands and kissing. To express love and gratitude.

Franco says there are many ways to show platonic love to your friends. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them when you’re thinking of them as you pass by. Remind them that you appreciate knowing them. These simple acts provide a layer of security to the relationship. It shows your friends that you really care about them and lets them know that it’s safe to invest in your friendship.

Unlike romantic relationships, platonic relationships often lack a script of clear declarations of love, so it may feel strange to show affection to a friend. Representation is very much appreciated.

A 2018 study published in the journal psychology I asked people to write a thank you letter to someone in their life and rate how it was received. Participants consistently overestimated how awkward the recipient felt and underestimated how happy it made them.

However, Franco cautions that it’s important to understand people’s varying levels of comfort when it comes to affection. I love it. So talk to your friends and understand the love language of their friendship, she says. ?”

2. Spruce them up with your skills and talents

Being generous with your friends—sharing your time, attention, and resources with them—is an easy way to foster friendships, says Franco. It’s an expression of love that shows that you want to invest more in the relationship.

“People want to be friends with people who care about them, and generosity is a way to express that,” says Franco. And there’s science to show it pays off — Journal 2019 study of the forefront of psychology They found that middle and high school students who exhibited traits such as generosity and empathy were more likely to develop long-lasting and deep friendships than those who did not possess those traits.

Franco suggests a personal approach. “Think about her own skills and her talents and find ways to turn them into acts of generosity,” she says. For example, when she learned that a friend of hers wanted to learn more about how to set up an investment account, she used her research and analytical skills as a psychologist to put together a presentation on the topic. .

You can also share such acts of generosity with your friends. If you like children, you might offer to babysit your friend who is a parent. If you’re a gym rat, you can help your friends train for a race.

3. Spilling pain, joy, and guilt

Sneak up on your friends and tell them you like a shitty TV show and say, “Me too! When our vulnerabilities are filled with validation and support, we feel a deeper connection to our friends,” says Franco. It means that they accept us for who we are, both good and bad.

It can be scary to open up about our feelings. It can carry the risk of embarrassment and rejection. But research shows that people are far less likely to reject you because you’re vulnerable than you might think.

A study published by the American Sociological Association asked strangers to disclose information about varying levels of intimacy with a group of women. I discovered that it would be “When someone is defenseless against you, it shows they trust you,” says Franco.

Whether it’s an ex-boyfriend you can’t get over, or you’re trying to reconsider a new job, don’t be afraid to share your struggles with your friends. They’re not going to judge you—and it might bring you closer.

If you’re looking for a way to let your guard down without revealing your darkest secrets, Franco suggests sharing something positive, such as a personal accomplishment.

4. Don’t cover up your disagreements

Dealing with conflicts in friendships is hard, says Franco. People often see them as fun and light-hearted, or less formal than romantic or family relationships, so they downplay problems when they arise.

But being able to deal with conflicts with friends in a healthy and constructive way can strengthen friendships, she says. It shows what you think and want to improve your relationship.

In fact, research shows that conflict is “actually associated with deeper intimacy,” says Franco. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships asked 273 participants to share a time when they were hurt or angry when someone mishandled their personal information. Those who were able to resolve the issue with the people involved said their relationship improved.

So if you’re having trouble with a friend, don’t sweep it under the rug. Here are some tips:

• Start by telling your friends how much you caresays Franco. It shows that the reason you are raising the issue is because you are invested in your friendship.

• Use “I” statements when describing concerns Your friends don’t feel like you’re blaming them. For example, if you find yourself canceling plans at the last minute since they started a new job, you can say:

• Ask your friends about another action they’d like to see in the future. For example, “If you know you won’t be able to attend, I would appreciate it if you let me know a few hours in advance.”

Conflict can be uncomfortable at first, but Franco says it’s something to embrace. “We can show each other how we can be better for each other, and we can be friends forever.”