DEAR ABBY: I still obsess over my first love, even though we broke up 21 years ago. We grew up in a poor mill town, where I was a frustrated, mediocre athlete. She was a cheerleader. We shared fundamentalist religious beliefs that, along with poor access to contraception, led to our decision to “save ourselves for marriage” during our five-plus years of regular dating. Unlike most of our peers, we were able to attend college.

Around the time of my graduation, when many of my friends were getting married, she met a minor league baseball player and, in a very short while, traveled to another state with him and parted with her virginity. Soon after that, she hooked up with a major college football player for a summer fling, and then with a much older divorced lawyer.

I put up a good front as I continued a rigorous graduate program, but I was physically sick and extremely depressed and disillusioned to the point of having suicidal thoughts.

By chance, I ran into her 15 years later. We were both married, and she was heavily involved in Christian ministry. I told her in a non-judgmental way that her affairs had been very hurtful. We had a nice lunch and parted on good terms, but she was unapologetic and dismissed all of that as “just sex.”

Abby, after all this time, I’m still confused. I don’t know what I’m seeking. Maybe I want revenge. Am I crazy to hold on for so long, or do others carry their pain for a lifetime? — NOT SHAKING HER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT SHAKING HER: Yes, some people do carry their pain for a lifetime, unless they deal with it. You appear to have the entire roster of your ex-girlfriend’s romantic involvements. (She sure must talk a lot!) I have a strong hunch that what you wanted when you took her to lunch was a sincere apology for hurting you all those years ago. That none was offered illustrates the depth of her insensitivity.

My friend, you don’t need revenge — you need to stop reliving the past. It is a waste of your energy. If you can’t manage to do this on your own, counseling may help.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.